Shock news has been released of plans to cull several fairies living at Rattlechain lagoon. The Oldbury Tinkerbells have incurred the wrath of Sandwell council and Solvay by lighting fires at the site and also playing loud music- in particular the Fairy Tale of New York by The Pogues and Kirsty McColl. One local councillor who did not wish to be named said “There are too many of them and I would support a limited cull innit?” “We’ve tried relocating them down South but you need a licence, and they just fly back here.” “They are taking over, and We own Oldbury, not them!”
A local resident who lives in neighbouring Callaghan Drive added “Solvay told us that the fairies live at the bottom of our gardens and set fires regularly- that’s why they need to put up so many cctv cameras to catch them out for evidence.” “When we first moved here they assured us that the site contained the stuff used in toothpaste, but with the fairies parading nightly with no clothes on, it’s been blue minty hell living here!”
HUNDREDS of fairies have invaded
Whilst at the lagoon, our photographer snapped one of the creatures, thought to be a blue stripper perched on a bramble. He was even able to tempt it onto the end of his finger using a half cut grape.
Also found at the scene of the Johns Lane site was King/Queen of the white phosphorus tramp fairies Tinker the great- a most volatile fellow.
A Natural England spokesman confirmed ” the fairies were inadvertently released from a captive collection in Bournville and have spread across the West Midlands and beyond. They are known to have flown and also caught cross channel ferries to France breeding with the rare black headed ladyboy fairies there. ” “In addition if swallowed they can produce belching in small children.” We encourage authorities to put up fairy tails where they persist which appears to scare them and make them go away.”
Solvay declined to comment about spreading fairy tails at their Oldbury Toxic Hazardous waste site.
