The “cat” that truly appears to have nine lives has returned to the area of Langley!
Local reporters and social media users have recently noted that the smell of Tom Cat piss is wafting over the area, and dispersing on the wind in multiple directions. The area around Langley green train station in particular and Western Road would appear to be at the epicentre of the foul moggie, and has left people feline not very happy. 😥
In the style of my hero, the journalist Jack Macgee , I decided to take to the area using the highly scientific “sniff test”; indeed I consider myself to be a man with “a very particular set of smells”.
I even put on a white coat and self titled myself “Dr”, whilst preparing the necessary mathematical equations known as ” Hannibal’s constant.”
On stepping off the train, the doors opened abruptly, and I was instantly hit with the pussy bouquet. There were also the odours of bonfires and curry munching going on a little further which added to the palate.
By chance I bumped into a Sandwell council environmental officer there on an unconnected matter, and he told me that the council were investigating the matter. He also told me that he was from the Langley area and back in the 1960’s remembered the vile odours coming out of the Trinity Street cat flap.
Another canal local also recalled the odour, and stated that it had “gone away” and relocated to Whitehaven at some point. He was unsure if it had returned.
An almost deserted carpark, but is puss hiding in the boot of one of them?
A couple of local suspects caught my eye, but they were quickly eliminated from my enquiries.
Onward I sniffed around Park Lane, and noted the demolition wastes lying around former AW buildings. Had one of these deconstructions accidently dug up a long forgotten sleepless malice hidden in the piles? Have the council considered this- they approved the works after all? 😡
Where are you hiding Mr pussy cat?
Oh and look what else I spied with my little eye, something beginning with P- a white phosphorus unloading event from two tanks.
This is where they keep the really nasty chemicals.
Toxic, flammable and a hazard to the environment, but dump it in “small amounts” under water in the open air a few hundred metres away- no problem.
But still I didn’t see Tom.
Green mist began to gather around Trinity Street as the air was filled with the pungent odour. Darkness was falling and so was all hope. I was getting desperate by now, so decided to try to invoke the gatekeeper at Park Lane by choosing a destructor in traveller form; something which just popped in there, something harmless from childhood that might tempt out the sinister four legged terror- the God awful leftie poetaster and former Tom herself- The Angelou bird.
But the sentinel chicken caged bird didn’t work and ran off down Tat Bank Road with its tail between its legs. 😥
I only had one hope left, it was time to bring out The Big GUNN, quite literally.
I assembled my apparatus and prepared for the exorcism of the Langley Tom. I made a picture of the legend Mrs Gunn who had originally slayed the beast back in the 1950’s using her withered bush.
I was not privy to the shrubs from this lady’s garden, but took a couple of twigs from the nearby greenery where I hid and made a symbolic crucifix adorned with her image. Watching all those Ray Mears programmes had obviously been worth it.
” THE POWER OF GUNN COMPELS YOU!”
” THE POWER OF GUNN COMPELS YOU!”
” THE POWER OF GUNN COMPELS YOU!“
“ THE POWER OF GUNN COMPELS YOU!”
“THE POWER OF GUNN COMPELS YOU!“
” THE POWER OF GUNN COMPELS YOU!”
A faint rumbling ensued, followed by more green mist, and then the smell was slain. I had finally vanquished the Oldbury Smell…. or so I thought…. as a new demonic off site release rose out from the ground in a puff of garlic laced white smoke….
WHITE PHOSPHOPUS……