According to the ERM document that accompanied the cover up works that took place last year at Rattlechain lagoon – “ERM IMPROVEMENT WORKS” DRAFT JULY 2012. , on page 2 it identifies
“It should be acknowledged that the presence of a body of water on the lagoon over the sediment is an important control in ensuring that any ‘tramp’ phosphorus residues are unable to combust.”
As always with this website, unlike others, it is our intention to get to the truth of the matter concerning the history of this hazardous waste site and what lies beneath it. We therefore decided to track down this most elusive and maligned creature for his views, life goals and intentions. At first he was not willing to talk, trying to hide under a “small amount” of water, sand and an old rug carpet set in “toothpaste”. But over time the trust was won, and after a little persuasion and coaxing, a meet was arranged at the lagoon causeway.
WORLD EXCLUSIVE
The tramp phosphorus
Q. Tramp phosphorus, how did you arrive at Rattlechain lagoon and how long have you been here?
A. Please, call me William Peter, the year was 1942 I believe and I arrived by boat. A nice gentleman called young Mr William asked me to mind his fortune which was located here, but that was so many years ago now I forget how long I have been here.
Q. So how have you survived all these years?
A. Well you know you have your ups and downs like the water level, but with a plentiful supply of water I haven’t done too badly really for my age. I don’t need much oxygen anyway to survive, and I’m a right crusty old devil. I put my coat on to stop me from disappearing. As long as I can have a smoke every now and again I don’t care. I believe the youngsters call it “vaping” nowadays.
Q . With a site like Rattlechain you must have seen some changes surely?
A. Oh indeed, indeed. There used to be just one pool and I had a watershoot down the North embankment to use, but they removed that. Then they built a bridge that we stand on now- but I still got through, even going for a dip in the canal sometimes. Then a load of pesky birds arrived, but I soon got rid of them! Then they built some houses nearby on top of the old sewage works- a foul stench that one, but I put up with the music and the barbeques, and they have to put up with me being here.
Q. So how do you feel about Solvay trying to evict you from the site last year?
A. Oh it’s all poppycock dear boy from the new landlords, flexing their limp ones I suppose. They even tried sucking me off, the dirty blighters, but I vowed never to surrender whatever they did to me. I vowed they would not make “MINCEMEAT” out of me!
I’m well used to it now; their little schemes, and they have never broken my resolve- even when they used a floating sludge gulper . I used to get shot regularly by “Mad Mike” when hiding in barrels that his company had dumped. And he even tried to set me on fire the once, but I still managed to survive to tell the tale.
They’ve given up trying now, I’m everywhere and nowhere, sometimes right behind them or under their feet. I’m alive and burning with vivid phosphorescence.
Cleaning up the site “BEHIND YOU!”
They said I could stay if I cleaned up a bit, but I’m going nowhere.. haven’t they heard of “squatters rights?”
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
Q. So would you go as so far as to say that there is a progressive culture of “Trampophosphobia” emanating from the Trinity Street setup?
A. Oh most definitely Sir, they don’t like P4 bum guys down ‘The Oxford’. There is no doubt in my mind that they are “institutionally Wasteist”! Tramp sesquisulphide down the Gower tip doesn’t get this treatment. (mindyou?). I’m thinking of petitioning the Home Affairs Select Committee and Teresa May to see if they will table a public enquiry into the abuse.
Q. Do you have any tips for next years big race?
A. I believe that Mister Ed may win by some lengths if the going is good to soft…..
It’s funny you should say that but I meant The General Election, not the Grand National.
Oh well in that case I don’t really care; politicians are so full of hot air which I don’t like! They make me angry, and they wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!
Q. Is there any truth in the rumour that you bare an uncanny resemblance to the Wolverhampton ring-road tramp?
A. Err No… Definitely not. Any resemblance is purely coincidental. I was born in Oldbury down the road… He had a red face and smelt a bit funny, but come to think of it so do I when I get into a rage… in fact you’re starting to bother me now with all your questions, now piss off AND LEAVE ME ALONE……!
With this we quickly left the site as William Peter disappeared beneath the lagoon waters- puffing white smoke and bubbling gas left behind in the wake. We will have to wait to see if he surfaces again, but it looks like he will be around for some time to come. What’s 10,000 years when you’re having fun?
WLBRL?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLG1ys2CGcI&list=RDRLG1ys2CGcI